Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Terribly Tuesday.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.