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@Home_Halfway: ME: I hate the Kentucky Derby. You get all dressed up and excited and the whole thing only lasts 15 seconds WIFE: Oh is that right
@thenoahkinsey: Gerard Butler: Can I get sugar? Waiter: This is sugar. *GB stands pissed* GB: THIS..IS...SPLENDA!! *GB kicks waiter through glass panel*
@JoParkerBear: God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don't have money. That makes God super mad.