Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
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Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
the composer
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want