If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
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Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
The fall of Netflix
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance