Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
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{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock