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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Cleaning up is a superpower. Don't you want to be a superhero? 5-year-old: I'll just be a bad guy.
@DaddyJew: Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself? Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor *a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*
@JohnLyonTweets: Me: I'll drink to that! Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say "Amen."
@iGreenMonk: She said she was turned on by men who took risks. So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.