I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty