If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
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Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?