My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
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Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
All set.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car