I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
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Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.