Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
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When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I have many caverns
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it