10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
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The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
God has left this place
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.