11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
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JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.