11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
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Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
This came to me in a dream.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.