Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
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Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”