4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
You Might Also Like
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?