Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
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If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
real
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”