Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
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I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”