I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
You Might Also Like
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?