If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
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A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Pringles
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes