Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
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judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY