Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
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Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?