I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
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My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
never forget
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road