People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
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Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.