What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
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[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.