I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
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Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
#Caturday
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers