If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
You Might Also Like
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Covid like
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”