“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
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[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Who’s your best friend?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People