🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
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i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.