My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
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Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants