I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
My life in a nutshell
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero