Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
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You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Hey I worked for it too!
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.