Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
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Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Awwwww shit.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs