My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
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My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Pee pressure > peer pressure
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids: