11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
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ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Good dog. ❤️
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
channeling her this year