Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
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“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans