Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
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If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what