Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
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king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word