GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
You Might Also Like
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
That’s amazing.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different