Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
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As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
your honor my client chooses dare
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.