Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
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You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN