maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
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Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
“We will wed,” I threatened
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.