127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
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normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”