Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
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me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
🤣🤣🤣
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?