Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
You Might Also Like
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Mad Max: Furry Road
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…