I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
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[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
this is uni
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Omg 🤣