If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
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My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.