12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
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My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Yup
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.