Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
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nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.