Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
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The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
This is the best one I’ve seen
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.