13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
You Might Also Like
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
This could be us but you eatin’
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.