13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
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Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this